Happy Ending….?

Hey there, so as I said in my previous post, we moved!! And I must tell you that it is great here in the new house! We actually have a “normal” flatmate, isn’t a fucking vegan/physco/tranny/prostitute/druggy xD Which is fantastic! He literally is just a normal person, the only weird thing is, is that he has the same name as our previous physco flatmate, lulz.

Anyway, moving on with other things, I didn’t get the job at the breakfast cafe that I was hoping for so I am a little disappointed about that….I may or may not have an interview at another place but meh…I dunno. They haven’t gotten back to me yet…so I guess I just have to wait and see.

Ahhh, I recently got back into yugioh again after not playing it for ages….I started to dislike it after I just kept losing to all of the new cards…which I cannot stand. Go back to the old days, and the old cards is what I say. All of the new cards are just too broken. The type of decks that I use wouldn’t have a chance against the new cards. Oh, also I started playing League of Legends….probably the worst decision of my life, because I know how addictive the game can be…but meh…you only live once right.

I feel really disappointed…I had kinda hoped that I had more to talk about by now…but my life has been pretty uneventful lately…I’m feeling a little bit down right now though…I just feel so insecure about a lot of things…I wish that people were easier to read….I really really wish the people were easier to read, it would make my life so much easier. But…life isn’t easier is it…I thought I should have realised that by now…maybe I did already know that…but I just got all happy and dandy and put on my rose coloured glasses for a while and zoned out all the bad shit…and then suddenly the glasses broke…and then everything came flooding back.

Haha, I try so fucking hard to be tough, and then little fucking things seem to break through my tough defences and I don’t know how to stop them. Fuck it, I’m just babbling about shit now. I’m such an idiot…thinking that I could be happy again…thinking that anyone could want me again…that’s not how life fucking works Gaara….life does not fucking work that way. Life has clearly shown me that it doesn’t want me around…it’s shown me that it isn’t going to give me a fair go…so what now…I can’t give up again…I just can’t. To struggle on….just struggle on…

Moving Again?!!!

Hey guys, so I am here to bring you the wonderful news that we are moving again…in three days! We decided that it really wasn’t a good idea to stay where we currently are because our flatmate really isn’t right in the head and I thought he was a little dangerous to be around. Basically he’s got extreme bipolar, so he can be happy happy joy joy and then suddenly two seconds later he’s like having a temper tantrum because someone moved his salt two inches on the shelf. Oh, and now he’s trying to tell me what I should do with my life. He’s been sending me texts about joining the army, or the defence force in general or becoming something to do with security because he thinks that I would “enjoy” it. Who the fuck does he think he is telling me what to do?! That really pisses me off it does.

Anyway, so we’re moving out of that shit hole on Saturday, so it’s Wed night now, so it’s very very close and I am soooooo hoping that this guy is not some sort of fucking wacko. I mean, you’re not really gonna know what they’re really like until you actually move in and then by that point it’s actually too late. I just want to be happy you know, like live in a place for more than a month and be happy in that place. I wanna be able to walk around my flat without dreading running into the other flatmate. ~sigh~ Hopefully happier times will be coming soon.

Also, in other news, I had a job interview at a breakfast cafe and I am going to be giving them a ring tomorrow to ask how my application is going. They said that they would get back to me within the week but I got told that it’s really good to ring the people yourself because it shows that you are keen. I really really want the job because it will give me a ton of new opportunities, teach me some more skills, and get me out of the shit hole that I currently work in 😛 So my lovelies, keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck, cuz I may need it (:

Anyway, I’m sorry that it’s taken so long to write again, and I would like to say that I’ve been too busy to write but to be completely honest I would be lying if I said that. I mean, I just spent the last two days watching movies, and going to town so I mean…I had plenty of time. But I have taken the time to write and I will always keep you updated with what’s going on, so never fear, Gaara is here!! :DD

Anyway guys, take care till next time.

~~~~<3 Jodez

Fucking Flatmates…. >_<

Honestly, living in a flat is sometimes like living back at home with your parents. Having to ask if a friend can stay the night, that’s a bit ridiculous don’t you think? We’re all equal here right? We pay our rent, we buy our own food ect ect, we do our share, we should get the same rights living in the same house….wellllll apparently not. I hate flatting sometimes. Sometimes I wish that I could just live on my own. And, maybe I will in a couple of years time when I move to Sweden. Oh yeah, I should have mentioned this earlier actually, I’m planning on moving to Sweden in a couple of years time to live and work there. I’ve been talking through the details of it with my Swedish friend, Martin a.k.a Mama. He’s been helping me to figure out how much money I’m going to need to save up prior to going over. He’s been pretty helpful actually 😉 And you know the best part about moving to Sweden? It’s completely new and different and I’ll have so many things to learn that I’ll be busy all the time. And I’ll get to see one of my good friends Erik ^^…and that’s the best part of all (: .

Anyway, moving on from that rubbish 😉 Things are starting to look a  bit better for me money wise. My debt with the bank is gone, my next goal is to get another job, somewhere in town so that it’s closer to where I live. Because, let’s face it, it’ll be much much easier for me once I have a job that’s closer. I’ll be spending less money on bus fairs and I’ll be saving a lot on travel time too (: TWO bonuses!

Anyway, enough updates for now, I’ll talk to you guys later and keep you posted on what’s going on 😉 Chow!

~~~~<3 Jodez

Going through a lot…

I decided to write a quick blog post before going to sleep tonight to just give you an update on what’s been going on in my life. So, it’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I’ve been coping from one week to the next, just pushing myself along telling myself that I can do it.Well today, today I collapsed at work because I haven’t been able to eat properly lately. I’ve been living off a few snacks a day, trying to make my minimal food supply last me as long as I could. Well….apparently I hadn’t been eating enough. This morning I was literally running on empty. I could no longer function, I didn’t even have the energy on my own to lift myself back up off the floor. Actually, I’m still exhausted now, I’m using the last of my energy to write this post then I’ll probably shower then sleep and prepare myself for going to work tomorrow.

I’ll tell you something that’s been bothering me though. The head manager where I work is actually my ex-boyfriend, and now I’ve had asthma attacks and all sorts at work and there isn’t a lot that I can do about it.  Now I was pretty out of it today when I was lying on the floor and I couldn’t even speak and I could barely move I was so exhausted, I only managed to get into a chair because they helped to lift me. And all he could say was “I don’t have time for this” as if I had chosen to faint on the floor, as if I had wanted that. *shrugs* I dunno…that comment made me feel a little like scum, but there wasn’t a lot I could do at the time tbh, so I guess I’ll just forget about that stupid little remark.

But anyway, after all of that I am gonna be getting help from various places which I won’t bother going into detail about cuz no one cares about the details and besides it’s really boring anyway. But the plus note is, things will hopefully get better (:

That’s all for today. Talk again sooooon bye bye xoxox Jodez ~~~~<3

Just who am I….?

Just who am I…? It’s a question that many of us ask more than once in our life time. And it’s certainly not easy trying to figure out who you are and what your purpose on this earth is. Or maybe I’m simply overthinking it. Who is that person I’m even looking at in the mirror anymore? Who is that person…? Is it even still me? And I…I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look at myself and all I can see is a blur, all I am is some shadowy figure that’s blurred around the edges. People telling me what I am, and who I am…and telling me what I’m like from their point of view when I am seeing something completely different. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to believe. Should I believe myself…or should I believe their words…? Should I even let their words get to me the way that they do…? I probably shouldn’t…but I do. I just do and I don’t know why, but I always have. What people think was always so important to me, even though I wanted to be different I also wanted nothing more than to be accepted by others. I wanted to be someone that others could appreciate, not someone they just pushed aside because there was someone better.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like every word that spills from your mouth is poison and wrong? To feel like you should not have spoken at all? You wonder over and over inside your head about what you’re allowed to say and what you are not allowed to say. And in the end you wish you had said nothing at all. You wish that you had mulled the words over and over inside your head until they were imprinted there forever…for only you to be able to read. Do you know how it feels when someone says that they will be there for you…but whenever you tell them something they say that you’re overacting or whining or making things seem worse than they are….? That’s like telling a depressed person that they shouldn’t be depressed, that they life can’t be that bad. Or like telling an insomniac that they should just be able to go to sleep.

I’m slowly losing the war inside my head…I’ve had this thing where I’ve been trying to keep my hatred and anger and rage at everything away. I’ve tried to push it deep deep down inside me and now finally there’s too much there. I don’t know how to deal with that much anger on my own…it’s going to start leaking out and I don’t know what to do. Won’t someone save me….? Isn’t anyone going to be there for me when the plug opens up and I finally lose control over all my emotions.

What a pitiful existence…why am I even here to begin with? I don’t know…and I probably won’t ever know…I hope that one day I will just sleep…and never wake up. For then, I will be at peace.

 

Strange Flatmates…

Okay….so I’ve been living out of home for quite a while now and I’ve had to do a lot of moving and it hasn’t been fun in the slightest. I’m hoping that we can stay in the house that we’re currently in for a decent amount of time. The first house I lived in was my ex-boyfriends house and his mother was omg….she made me want to tear my hair out…she was so freaking annoying. She would randomly come upstairs and just open the door to my room without knocking and ask if I had work….wtf…she would leave laundry in the washing machine for a couple of days and it would end up smelling and then she wouldn’t rewash it, so it stayed smelling musty and horrible >_< Ugh….I do not miss living there haha.

Then from there I moved back home for a while, and the moved into a flat with four other people. One of them was a friend of mine from work. She was all good, nice and everything…but they were fucking stoners….that smoked in the house….fucking hate the smell of weed man. And they would cook food and leave their dishes everywhere, they left bloody raw chicken skin on the bench for like 3 days…omg…do they want to get sick or something. Overall it wasn’t a bad house and they weren’t bad people but by the time we left there I couldn’t wait to leave.

So after we found out that the lease on our house was ending shortly, we knew we needed to find a place quickly so I found a nice cheap place in town….first time moving into town Phew….and it was strange at first but not as strange as our new flatmate. Get this, not only were they a tranny, which I actually have no problem with, because I know a really lovely guy who’s a tranny and is the fucking cutest thing ever….I however did have a problem with the fact that she was prostitute that brought her clients over to the house…and we could hear them 0.0 Like….omg….wow. Keeping in mind she never told us this before we moved in, but I’ll remember to ask questions like that in the future (:

She basically kicked us out at the end because she thought we were binge drinkers because we were being a little noisy after having a couple of 5% alcoholic drinks. She rang the police and everything, they showed up and basically laughed. They had sent along about three guys thinking that we were gonna be like thugs or something. Ahhh, the funniest night ever.

Okay, so from there we moved into another house, the house we are currently in. The guy that lives here looks just like your average bloke that you would see anywhere. But no…he just had to be a fucking vegetarian and health freak who doesn’t even want us to eat meat or use the microwave in the house….wtf. I can fully understand him not wanting us to use his utensils to cook meat, but not allowing us to cook meat at all. That is harsh…really harsh. Oh and one more thing, he’s fucking psychopathic…he’ll have violent mood swings where he’ll just suddenly get angry at you, because he thought you said something cheeky…even if you never said anything at all. Omg…the people in this country…I swear.

So…since I’ve left home I’ve lived with stoners, a tranny prostitute, and a fucking health nut….what is gonna come next I wonder. I hope I’m not going to have to find out any time soon 😛

Hehe, that’s about it for my rant about um strange flatmates….How about your experiences with weird flatmates? I’d be pretty keen to hear about what sort of people you’ve lived with in the past. So go ahead and post a comment down below 😀

People are like sheep…

I heard a quote once, “You have good intentions but your eyes hold much darkness, so therefore your good intentions are overshadowed by the darkness in your heart.”

So…so I guess you could say that quote applied to me and my intentions. For although I have good intentions and plans for a new world my heart is shadowed over with darkness: hatred, fear and anger. The path that I have chosen to follow is still shrouded over with darkness…and I know what I must do…I must clear my own path. I must make it mine, and follow it and bring about the change that this world needs. The world has fallen into ruin and I must save it, and I must save the people from the corruption that is their government. That is my destiny.

People are like sheep, if someone does something enough then soon others will follow…that’s just how humans are. It’s how we survived back in the olden times when we were first learning how to do things like cook, and make clothing ect. That’s also why we strive for repetition, why we dislike change…but sometimes change is necessary whether we like it or not. I will change this world…

Let me explain something else to you…you may laugh at me and say how am I supposed to achieve anything because I am nothing more than a one person army…but that’s not exactly true.

I am not alone in my dreams…others feel the way I feel, I know they do. They just need encouragement in order to speak out. Think back to when white people opposed black people, or when woman were fighting for equal rights. Those events started because of just one person. And that person spoke out and the more they spoke out, the more others listened and the closer to their goal they became.

It’s going to be hard…this path that I have chosen….but I know I can do it…and I’m not gonna give up! Because that’s my ninja way!

Worried by my own thoughts…

Who am I…? Why am I here…? I think…I think that somewhere along this path that I have chosen I have lost sight of who I am…I am letting my thoughts consume me…and it’s too late to change it, hmm. In my mind I have already chosen my destiny, and if I cannot achieve my destiny then I think it will be the end of the road for me. Someone once told me to find a reason for existing, a reason for living…for only then have I found a reason for continuing to exist…and I have found that thing…but….but if I do not…or cannot achieve that thing then there is no point in continuing my existence. I’m so confused…and no one can help me, because no one will understand. I am alone once again, I never thought I would be back in this place again, this dark place. This place shrouded in mystery and misery…a place where only my thoughts and I can reside. It’s a strange place, but it is familiar, I no longer fear it…it no longer scares me to be here. And I know that I cannot escape just by wishing for it, I know I cannot escape if I just try harder. There is no escape from this place. It has become a part of who I am…and I cannot change who I am.

I’m filled with so much self doubt lately…and it’s hard because I know that to achieve the things that I want to achieve I know I must believe in myself…but it’s hard when I don’t have anyone to stand by my side and tell me that it will be okay…I don’t have anyone to stand by my side and understand why I must do the things that I want to do. Someone who will understand my destiny, someone who will understand the path that I must follow…they won’t judge me for it…the won’t look at me any differently…they will just accept me for who I am…

Human existence bothers me…watching  people and how they interact with each other is so…sad. It’s sad seeing how they look at each other, with distrust, judging eyes, fear and hatred as though that person were any different to them. When it comes down to it, we are all the same….we are all human, we think, we breathe, we see, eat, laugh, all in the same way…so why is it that we act like the people around us are different from us. A community full of people that I want to connect with, a community where I can greet anyone with a smile and a friendly hello and it is returned rather than focussing my gaze at the ground. That is the type of world that I would like to live in. I will often sit on the bus and observe other people and I will wonder about what their lives are like. I wonder what they do for a living, are they happy, who is important to them, where they are headed for the day, and what do they think about.

Am I the only one in this world that thinks the way I do about things….surely there must be others like me…there must be others following the same path that I am following…there must be others willing to try make a change in this world. I cannot be the only one….I just can’t be…And if there are others like me…I hope that I can find them one day…and maybe we can connect….I will share my story and they will share theirs, and we’ll be equal…we’ll be on the same level…and it’ll be amazing (:

But until that day comes…I will continue to dream…I will continue to walk this path that I follow on my own….I see the darkness up ahead….and I’ll walk right into it…and when I get there…I’ll wave goodbye…..

I think I’ll sit in bed all day….

So today I think I’m going to sit in bed all day because well…..I’m sick. Not to the point of dying, but I’m sure dying would be better then sitting here with a nose that is starting to resemble a dripping kitchen tap. I feel awful. It all started a few weeks ago when I started waking up with a snuffly nose, and I was like “aww, it must be allergies” *takes allergy medication*….”Oh that didn’t work…I wonder what it is then”. Then two days ago I woke up with a lovely sore throat and I was like “Oh no…it begins…..” and yesterday over the duration of me being at work the dripping nose progressed on and on and became worse and worse and now I’m sitting here bundled up in my warm fuzzy dressing gown, complete with fuzzy socks listening to some cheery music to keep my spirits up while I drink disgusting decongestant drinks. Yuck!

But all is not lost! I have been catching up on Naruto Shippuden, my all time favourite anime over the last three days and it’s been amazing, finally watching all those things that people kept going on and on about for ages. I no longer feel lost in the series because I know what’s been happening. I didn’t think a series would mean as much to me as Naruto does. The characters, the story, the lessons it teaches; everything about it is amazing. I still say it’s the best anime ever!

Oh, btw I had a job interview the other day! Hazah! Aaaaand, I wouldn’t say that I “aced” it but I think I did alright. But seriously though fingers crossed I get the job right? 😛 Wiiiish me luck!

Anyway, that’s all I have to babble about for now, I’m going to go and get better!!

Love yaz, Jodez ~~~~<3

Crazy Convention Day!

So, we recently had our local anime/geeky convention here in Christchurch where I live and boy it was pretty cool. Although, this year I missed out on all the good stuff because I had to work on the Saturday and that’s when most of the cool stuff is, I instead went on the Sunday in the late afternoon, which was also rather disappointing because by then most of the cool cosplayers were leaving ): . But I did get to see some pretty amazing cosplays, here’s the two

Creepy Wonderland

that I got pictures taken with. I won’t use my own pictures however because they were terrible quality. But aren’t the cosplays amazing! Love those Alice in Wonderland cosplays so much, I know the lady who made them in fact and I’m going to be requesting from her that she make me a rabbit head for a cosplay that I want to do.

The second photo is of Howl from Howl’s moving castle, which if you have not seen, you most

Howl

certainly should watch it. because it is amazing!! It is made by the same people that made the movie Spirited Away which was also awesome by the way and you should watch that at the same time, even if you have seen it…watch it again!

Speaking of cosplay though, I do have a couple of cosplay things on the way. A hooded Akatsuki Cloak for my hopefully future Sasuke Cosplay and wig caps…because wigs look so much better on your head when you’re wearing a wig cap. The next step will be to get myself some foam heads so I can actually properly style my wigs 😛

That’s about all for now I think…I have to go to work soon though, horray for bussing for about two hours to get there!! ~Sigh~ So I’ll talk to you guys later!

Bye bye now,

Love Jodez ~~~~<3